Really? Cause I am pretty fucking sure you can. I'm sure because I do it every day. And my 92 year old Grandmother was sure to call me out on it today. She recalled the conversation we had on Mothers day, where I told her I hadn't retaken my exam yet because, the feeling of having to tell people I had failed was just slightly worse than the extreme disappointment of actually failing. Her advice? Don't tell anyone I am taking the exam. Um? Hey, Granny, have you met me? I can't keep my fucking mouth shut about anything I am doing. I talk and talk about things I know I will succeed in, but when its my heart or pride on the line? Forget it. I'm the biggest coward on the planet. I haven't retaken the exam cause I never want to fail again, and I haven't ever put my heart on the line because its too fragile to risk. I thought I would pass that exam, because I knew the material, and I am a smart girl, and admitting to failure was just about the worst blow to my pride I have ever experienced. But what is worse? Putting my knowledge to a test and failing or telling someone just exactly how I feel, and having them tell me it just doesn't work for them? I don't know. I don't know because I have only experienced the knowledge fail. I have never been able to put myself on the line and tell a man what I wanted from them. In my 29 years I have never been able tell a man I needed him, but then again no man has ever told me he needed me. Now I am here. In love, unable to tell him exactly what I want, and paralyzed in my career, from my fear of failure. My only hope is to get over my own fear and just be me, cause from what I can see, I'm pretty fucking awesome, and I am the one who has to hang out with me every day...
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